


Dickscovery

by Noabody



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bulges (Homestuck), Crack, M/M, More like morning squid, Morning Wood, No Sex, Short, Tentacle Dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-10-29 13:55:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20797694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noabody/pseuds/Noabody
Summary: Dave wakes up really fucking confused, why is there a slug on his wrist?





	1. ==> Dave Strider: Have a crisis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what I'm doing with my life, this apparently.
> 
> Now before I continue this, I learned that the Tentadicks that we all believe trolls have are actually very reminiscent of slugs and slug dicks.

When you woke up it wasn't some 'wait what the fuck is that' shit, in fact, you didn't really notice anything weird or even know why you woke up, but here you were, waking up.

It started slowly, first was the feeling of your legs tangled up with Karkat's, normal shit that you typically saw in those dumb movies he liked watching. Next was that said alien with a bad movie taste had my arm laying on his waist, not too bad. Next you realized where your other hand was; apparently he wanted to go fucking scuba diving in the deep shit of 'should not fucking be there'. Went so far down below that lefty found an octopus, trying to drown his rebellious ass.

In other words, you realized some issues. Issue number one, lefty was hanging out with that octopus in crotch territory. Then there was issue number two, that octopus was not a goddamn metaphor, it was real ass shit. Realest shit you can find, dog shit on the hot sidewalk real shit because some asshole didn't pick up after their dog-like respectful law-abiding citizens. Now you got that real shit stuck on the bottom of your fucking shoe so you go home and spray it off with a hose.

Back to your point, you know this is real shit because you spent several minutes sitting there and wondering why the literal fuck an octopus was in your bed and in between you and your now weird-ass boyfriend. Even more importantly, why the hell was it hanging out by your dicks.

So, reasonably, you lifted up the blanket to see why the hell an octopus was attached to lefty in sleepy schlong central.

This is where you're at now, on the floor, screaming your fucking ass off in the most uncoolest, unironic way that you will never admit asides in this very moment. Fortunately, Karkat 'I have a bright red fucking slug writhing between my damned legs' Vantas was not a man to speak too much of this, unfortunately, that also means he was awake. That's what happens when you scream because you're too focused on the fact that your boyfriend has a slug dick and dear lefty here just met what may be said slug dick's equivalent of morning wood. You wake up said owner of slug dick's owner because you won't stop screaming. Speaking of which, you should stop screaming. No need to make this shit worse.

Karkat gave you a grumpy sleepy look (which would've been cute if you weren't busy staring at the wriggling in his underwear with disturbed, confused wonder). That's when the guy realized the situation, turned bright wriggly willy red and ran into the bathroom. Several moments after you hear the shower start running, you decide to go get some awful coffee oil.

"Crotchtopus. Sannakji schlong. Kraken cock."

You will never admit that you were just now, muttering about Karkat's dick. That's definitely not the reason Rose is now looking at you. You definitely don't explain to her what happened, and you definitely don't notice how she eyes Kanaya. None of that even happens.

You know what? None of this happened, it never occurred, not at all.

Especially not the part where you wonder how that would feel in other places.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wriggly Willy only wanted to hold your hand, Dave


	2. ==> Karkat Vantas: Contemplate existence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat gets approached by Dave for a conversation he really wishes he didn't have to go through

You do not know the stupid blonde monkey that stands before you. This is what you've decided upon considering what the fuck just came out of this thinkpan fried, shitsnorter's mouth.

You _were_ enjoying a nice calm fucking (tentatively deemed considering how there seems to be no real concept of time) night, before the shameglobe copping moron, who is definitely not in any of your quadrants because you have some fucking _standards_, and who you definitely don't know as Dave "I-Wear-Shades-To-Be-An-Ironic-Nitwit" Strider. This is what you are telling yourself and it is what you are sticking to.

Why, someone may ask? Because this fucking asshole walks up in the middle of you watching a movie, and right when you were about to kindly (yes, kindly, you weren't going to spew loads of insults to his face like you usually do. Okay, maybe you were, but it was a small enough amount to be considered kind in your standards) invite him to watch with you, he makes the horrible split-second decision to open his squawk gaper.

"So. What's up with the slug wriggling around in your pants?"

No reasoning or startup behind this, no sign of his lowered intelligence making an excellent shine through like a hated controversial star waltzing onto the stage, not even a goddamn hint this was going to be brought up. But, undeniably, after you review your memory multiple times (bringing you to where you are now) this is what he fucking says. You decide to calm down for a minute before you absolutely lose your shit (which has been sadly, and unfortunately, been lost on multiple occasions). Don't ghost him yet, Vantas, there can still be hope.

"I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that I just misheard you and those words did _not_, indeed, travel through my hearing ducts. Now, choose your words wisely, what the fuck did you just say?" you ask, patiently (or what you believe is patiently). Surely, you're mistaken, he would never say this colossal hoofbeastmanure to you.

"The crotch squid, what's going on with that dude?"

Nope, never mind, present you are horribly corrected, past you was right all along. You underestimated his stupidity and you made the horrible mistake of ever giving him benefits. Dave Strider is hereby banned from all Karkat Incorporated benefits. Have fun sleeping alone, now, you grievously, formerly cherished, hiveless fool.

So, now, like any other reasonable goddamn troll (in which you almost lost the title of), you remade the decision that this man is dead to you. Then turned your attention back to the movie to never acknowledge you ever heard those fucking words again.

It's been an hour. The movie is over.

Dave is now sitting there, looking at you expectantly. You have had enough. "Strider, mind explaining to me why the fuck you have disturbed my tentatively deemed peace to question me about my fucking bulge? I don't even get why the hell you keep fucking asking, it's stupid. Is this a hell forsaken attempt to fucking court me into the respiteblock? Is that what the shit this is? If it is, we are having a fucking conversation about you should use that ignorance tunnel to, instead of swallowing massive qualities of shit, actually having some damn decency. And that's _if_ I don't decide to not waste my precious fucking time and dump your ass here and now." Not really, you're not that big of a prick, but you do throw a movie case at his head.

"What? No. Remember a few days ago when you woke up and wriggly willy was out saying hi? Starting holding my fucking hand while I slept like a long lost lover?-" Never mind, skip the breakup, if there's a higher deity, please, kill you or this material guzzler sitting beside you. You stop your prayers to quite possibly the eldritch horrors and make another mistake. Which is going back to paying attention to what he's saying. "-sushi gone wrong, coming out of your pants for hentai revenge-" You have decided there is definitely no higher deity, the creators of the dream bubbles are a fucking lie.

"Dave, can we cut past the bullshit of what happened when I woke up that day to you explaining what the fuck you want?"

"We have different dicks, bro." How do you reverse your existence? More importantly, "why are you surprised? We're a different species and with our vulgar conversations, I thought this would already be obvious. For fuck's sake, Dave, you draw human dicks all over the fucking place."

He stops stares for several moments (or you're assuming he is, you can't really tell because of his stupid shades) and then looks down. "Oh."

Well, this was humiliating and awkward on various levels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done it's over, the dicks are off my hands now.


End file.
